Apparently, some say, there is a correct way to mourn.
About this I have no idea, though I have accumulated
any number of mournful layers.
they rearrange my life and my future. Many seem
to think they know the “correct” way to mourn,
or so it would seem by the ways they engage
(or choose not to engage) with me.
When many thought emotions should run high, I
was flat, able to engage with the world,
but feeling nothing but the physical pain in
my body. Now, when emotions abound and I
remain on the cusp of tears, the kid gloves
“don’t say anything,
you might make
…but what if your silence and negation
of my feelings leaves me feeling utterly alone?
I FEEL BETRAYED; the one thing my female
body was supposed to do, it didn’t, maybe
it never will, but I can’t tell you this, because
you will tell me that “it will be alright” never knowing
that your one sentence, even when spoken from
a place of compassion, slowly suggests to me that
I am mourning it the only way I know how, by being
true to myself and my feelings—keeping in mind that
I am not just mourning this current loss, but, as a
friend continues to lovingly remind me, all loss
compounds, so I mourn any number of things.
Excuse me if I seem to push you away
for awhile; it likely has nothing to do with my
love for you, and everything to do with our
differing ways of mourning. I need to surround
myself with people whose energy allows and
encourages ME to mourn our lost dreams and to
re-imagine tomorrow differently than I had imagined
it last week. I need to delve deeply inside myself and
Life continues to be beautiful. Even in my sadness, that
has not changed. I continually see joy and beauty
all around. I am comfortable with this co-existence of my
heartbreak with this beauty. The complexity of life assures
me that both can coexist without taking from one another,
or forcing one to surrender. I am comfortable with
moments of sadness parked next to those filled with
joy, laughter, and love. While I have to allow myself the
freedom to grieve in the most honest and true way I know,
I continue to breath in the moments of love, friendship,
and community, so excuse me if I cannot grieve in a way
that you are comfortable with—on this I cannot bend.
For those on whom I lean, I thank for the continual peace
and energy that you allow me to absorb and share.